dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
