I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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