i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
