I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
