I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
