So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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