you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
