I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
