you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
