FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
