I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
