I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
