Ambien. No doubt about it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
