I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
