Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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