Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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