i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
