im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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