the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
