They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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