There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
