she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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