I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
