I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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