Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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