After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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