I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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