Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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