how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize