Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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