If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
