You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I could make wine with my vomit
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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