dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
