I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
