did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
