is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
