fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
