I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm passing your future prison.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
