Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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