In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
