I want to make a zoo with you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
