Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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