After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
