Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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