The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
