Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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