i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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