can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
