mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
