i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
well you can't waste a boner
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Are my feet made of real feet?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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