i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
