Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
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We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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