Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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