Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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