I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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