my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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