i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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