i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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