They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
