First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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